My meltdowns are just as fabulous as my million dollar speeches.
I’m not joking. I have million dollar meltdowns. Well, you would think I’d lost a million dollars the way this last meltdown was set up.
I sat on the train riding home from a conference that was (mostly) a waste of time and money. The weight of being in business for myself and running my household alone while being upset over spending another couple hundred dollars to get home literally had me feeling like I’d lost a million dollars at the Blackjack table.
I mean I was boohooing over an unplanned $200.
I have chancletas that cost more.
Yet, here I was.
Boo-hooing. Crying like a punk.
BUT, I’m no punk.
Here’s one thing most people don’t know: my social media posts aren’t scheduled.
Most of it is what I am feeling in the moment (and listen I know automation– automation…and such…and that’s not good business, but let’s tackle that another day).
So, that being said, how could I write about joy at noon and be a snot-nosed mess in front of strangers on a fast moving bullet train at 7:30 PM the same day?
This is how—–my personal and professional life is much like a rollercoaster ride at your favorite amusement park. My rollercoaster might as well be named Wheels of Relationships. Everything I do is based on relationships. They are the foundation to my business, the glue to my personal life, and the sunshine on days when I’m having these damn meltdowns.
I chose a business that is not supported by slick content and fancy marketing. It’s supported by relationships. And because my business is supported by relationships, I have to share what’s REALLY happening with me—-the good and the snot-nosed ugly.
But I wonder sometimes – does anyone REALLY want to see what a business owner (who by the looks of things has it all together) really experiences? Do they want to hear about the pitfalls? The unforeseen concerns of being a brown woman in this sector? The days when $200 makes you lose your marbles on a bullet train?
Every time I write about the secret life I am living as a leader – I get emails (letters really) from folks who say “you spoke to me today”, so I know that I how I feel is not weird; it’s normal. Last week a famous woman I respect greatly told me that talking to me saved her. I needed that. So, I know this sharing is necessary. It’s hard to do but, it’s needed.
I feel – exhausted. And I want to quit. This is why I really had a meltdown on the bullet train over $200.
For someone like me – an overachieving “A” student, a cool kid who quietly killed the game on tests and projects, a college student who championed equity on campus and excelled at social life, a young professional who stepped into the C-suite at 25, a divorcee who wore that mark like a scarlet letter for a long time, a wounded girl, a failing but seemingly successful professional, a solo mama longing for a partner but toughing it out alone, a reluctant business owner – it is almost unimaginable to think I am capable of quitting. Anything, really. To know my story is to know how much adversity I have faced, tucked in, and kept moving. And that day, I realized I was exhausted and that makes me human. However, I put my meltdown in my back pocket, tucked my exhaustion away in my luggage, and made it home in one piece.
Now, I have to say I am not looking to have too many of these damn meltdowns, but I know they are real. The exhaustion is real. The feeling of being an imposter is valid. The need to share the belly of business and leadership is upon us.
Has this ever happened to you? Do you feel like you are melting down (literally) and all it takes is something seemingly small to send you over the edge too? I’m here to tell you that it will happen and that it. Is. okay. Being able to say out loud that you are not doing as well as you’d like to, want to or need to is a very human part of life. And that’s a huge step. Being willing to do something about it; that’s the next huge step. Really, it’s how you walk through this time that really shows what you’re made of and the lengths you’re willing to go to so that you can be your best – the best manager, leader, teammate, mama, partner, friend…you name it.
Here’s what I know and I want you to claim it too…
Ann Rosenfield says
You are so awesome. And let’s be honest, it’s harder for women of colour .
So meltdown all you need and know that I, for one, like you more for being human like the rest of us.
all the feels Ann! Thank you!
Amy Eisenstein says
Yes, yes, yes! Next time you feel this way, call me. I’m here for you
Really needed this today! Thank you.
I’m so sorry that conference was a waste of time! ARGH. They need to pay you. EVERY. TIME. Let’s talk! Left you a message today Kishshana!
Marcy Heim says
I call this “the breakdown before the breakthrough.” Out of the tears and feelings like you are a total flop comes this great insight! Hugs to you GF.
Sandy Rees says
I think every woman entrepreneur has experienced this. I’ve certainly been there- attended a conference that I thought would be great only to leave completely empty handed and feel like a loser. Keep your chin up. Business rolls in a cycle which means for every down, there is an up.
Simply Dixon says
Yes. Ma’am. Yes. I was ready to jump off today… over more than $200 but my emotional health. Thanks for the pep talk lady.